Jane's Wedding Day
by tika12001
Summary: 'It's Jane's wedding day and I should be happy for her, but I'm not. Instead, I can't help but think of how I will survive without her in my life.' Open end, but Rizzles heavily implied.
1. Chapter 1

_**Title: Jane's Wedding Day**_

 _ **Author: tika12001**_

 _ **Rating: K**_

 _ **Summary: It's Jane's wedding day and I should be happy for her, but I'm not. Instead, I can't help but think of how I will survive without her in my life. NOT A HAPPY ENDING (at least, not for the moment... might change)**_

 _ **Author's notes: Whelp. I don't know, I felt like writing a fic with an unhappy ending. Maybe due to recent personal circumstances? Anyway, I might write more for this one at some point.**_

 _ **OH AND I FORGOT TO TELL YOU GUYS (um, long term followers of mine... new people reading are like 'pfft, who does this girl think she is to think I care about her life' LOL) THAT I'M OUT OF THE CLOSET TO MY DAD NOW TOO. He found out by accident :-P but he's totally fine. It was entirely anticlimactic to be honest. A huge relief though! Anyway, on to the story!**_

 _R &IR&IR&I_

It's Jane's wedding day, and I feel like I should be happy. I feel like I should be happy for her, full of hopes and dreams for her future, unbelievably excited to be standing up there next to her on her big day as maid of honour, but I don't. I can't.

It may be unbelievably selfish, but I can't help but think of what this will mean for me, of how much my life will change because of this.

I can't help but think of how I will survive without Jane in my life.

I am used to being alone; this much is true, and I am not being facetious in saying so. I have lived my whole life alone; or worse yet, surrounded by people who aren't truly there, people who are supposed to care for me, but seem to fall just short of the mark.

When Jane came into my life, she changed it all, and she did it so quickly and effortlessly, I barely noticed... I barely noticed as my walls got torn down, as she clambered inside my carefully built defences. She knocked my walls down with a smile, built them up again with a hug, and I wondered how on earth I had survived so long inside my fortress without her there, without her mispronunciations, her sarcasm, her quick wit and her warm nature.

It was at that point that I truly realized that health, money, clothes, shoes... they are nothing without happiness. You can have the world, but the world means nothing if you have no one to share it with.

I suppose you could say that I have fallen in love with her.

It is bizarre though; I have claimed to have felt the feeling before, but it is nothing compared to how I feel now. It is not even like comparing a candle to a search light, nothing like comparing a search light to a star. It is so much more, and yet, also, so much less than that.

It is simple, so simple that a child could understand, and so complex that even I, a genius, struggle to comprehend its enormity and complexity.

It is rare and yet plentiful, colourful and yet greyscale. It is everything and it is nothing and I don't know how I ever lived without this feeling... how I survived until I met her.

A knock on the door startles me out of my thoughts, and I turn to see it slowly creak open. Angela pokes her head inside. "Maura, I... oh, Maura! You look so beautiful!" she is gushing and I force a smile to my face, turning back to the mirror and looking at my reflection. The dress is beautiful; I have to admit this, the bold fabric underneath a deep red, while swaths of sheer white and sheer pink overlay the top. The effect is striking, beautiful, and it is made even more so with my hair gently curled and piled atop my head, my makeup skilfully applied to accent my features, but it is possible that today is the least beautiful I have ever felt.

The tear that streaks down my cheek is unexpected, unbidden, and I swipe at it hurriedly before Angela can notice, but Angela is not a mother for nothing. I feel her warm arms surround me from behind, the deeply maternal voice whispering soothing nonsensical things into my ear and I turn into the embrace, burying my head in her shoulder, waiting for the tears that do not come. It seems that that one tear was all that could be squeezed through: the rest are dammed up somewhere. I feared the flood that would come when the dam walls broke.

Finally, Angela pulls me away from her and tries searching my face for answers. I keep my gaze downturned, not wanting to look in those eyes that remind me so of Jane, not wanting to see... _disappointment? anger? frustration?_... in them.

"Maura," she says sternly, and finally I lift my gaze, but I do not see any of the aforementioned emotions in her stare. Well, no, that is incorrect, I _do_ see disappointment, but I know that the disappointment is not in me. Somehow I know this. I stare at her desperately, searching her eyes, and she shakes her head. "I never thought..." she starts, and trails off.

"Nev..." I start, then cough, only just realizing that I had not spoken for the past 12 hours. My throat protested the lack of use. "Never thought... what?"

Angela shakes her head. "Never mind." She bites her lip, seeming to be thinking hard, then takes my hand. "Come on, let's go see how Jane is going."

I dig my heels in, pulling hard on the hand that she just grabbed. She stares at me questioningly, but just as quickly drops her eyes to the floor. "Never thought _what_?" I question again, harshly, and she sighs.

"I just... I never thought you'd be here. Bridesmaid at Jane's wedding."

The words strike me like a fist and I almost physically stagger backwards a few steps as I wrench my hand out of her grip. "You didn't think Jane would want me being her bridesmaid?" I ask, as the hurt settles a little bit deeper inside me.

"No! No, that's not what I..." Angela stops, sighs, takes both my hands back in hers. "I always thought you'd..." she shrugs, lifts half her mouth in a semi-smile, "I just always thought you'd be the one..."

"I'd be the one...?" I ask, but Angela doesn't seem to be able to come up with the words. "I'd be the one she was... marrying?"

She lifts one shoulder, smiles and inclines her head slightly, and I feel my heart break a little bit more. I consider Angela family; she is yet another mother added to my already confusing, eclectic collection, but the fact that she ever thought it could have been made official, in the eyes of the law at least...

Suddenly I am taken out of my thoughts sharply, as a knock on the door and an impatient yell garners both of our attention. "Hello, can I get a little help in here? You do know it's my wedding day, right?" The gravelly voice brings a smile to my face as nothing else, and no one else, can, and with a backwards smile at Angela, I leave and enter Jane's room.

She is wearing a dress. It is white, fitted, strapless, and amazingly beautiful.

She looks amazingly beautiful in it.

She also looks uncomfortable, and not at all like the Jane that I know. She is slipping away from me already.

I smile at her in the mirror. "You look gorgeous, my friend." She tugs at the top of the dress awkwardly, as though nervous it was going to fall down.

"Thanks," she says shyly, turning around to face me finally, and I know I am in trouble when I cannot tear my eyes away from hers. I force my lips into a smile again, unsure of when the last smile left, and she frowns, stepping closer. "Maura? Are you okay?"

I move my head, and I'm honestly not sure if I mean to nod it or shake it; for all I know I have simply swung it in a circle, leaving it up to Jane to interpret the movement at her will. Suddenly I find myself pressed up against her, my arms around her waist. She puts her arms around me unhesitatingly.

"Hey, are you okay?" she asks softly, and I laugh, pulling away from her. I pull gently at her dress.

"He got you to wear a dress," I say, and she grimaces, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah. I don't know, it's not too bad, I guess."

"Is it what you wanted though?" I ask, and she stares at me for a long moment. I cannot hold her gaze, dropping it to my feet. I know the true meaning behind my question, and it has nothing to do with her dress.

"It's what I can get," she answers, softly, and I look at her again, study her eyes, and wish that I understood what she was telling me. It seemed an odd answer to the question that I seemed to be asking, but the perfect answer to what I truly questioning.

"What if you can get what you want?" I whisper, searching her eyes desperately.

Jane smiles at me fondly and half shrugs. "I can't."

I step forward once more, wrapping my arms around her waist. "I love you," I whisper into her neck, and I feel her smile as she wraps her arms around my shoulders, our bodies slotting perfectly together as they always have.

"I know." She pulls back, waits for me to do the same, and stares into my eyes. "This isn't a movie though, Maura. Sometimes... sometimes you don't get to wear what you wanna wear."

I look at her, stare into her eyes, willingly falling into oblivion, but the knock at the door startles us both out of our reverie. "Come in."

Frank opens the door. "Janie. You look beautiful."

Jane's lips thin slightly as she looks at him, and I lower my eyes, knowing that she has still not entirely forgiven him, hating that I am able to read her so easily.

"Thanks Pop," she says finally, and looks at me, her eyes soft once more. I stare at her, but I cannot decipher the look in her eyes this time. Our gaze seems to go on forever, but finally she tugs at her dress uncomfortably once more, then awkwardly raises a hand, gesturing towards the door. "Shall we go?" she asks gently, and for one brief second, I allow my eyes to close, envisioning an entirely different scenario, where she wears a classy white suit with a Red Sox jersey underneath, where I wear a white dress with a long train. A fantasy in which we head either for the home plate at Fenway, or the cliffs of Santorini above a volcano, or somewhere in between, because we're too much in love to really care that much. But it is just a fantasy, and real life beckons me impatiently forward, so I open my eyes with a sigh and look at the beautiful woman in front of me once more, the one who told me she would never wear a dress, the one who proclaimed to not need a man in her life.

I wonder when I lost her.

I wonder if I ever truly had her.

"Let's go," I agree quietly, and I pretend to not feel my heart break as she moves out the door towards her future, leaving me behind.

I should be used to it by now.

After all, I'm used to being alone.

END?

 _I'm just gonna... go hide now, k? REVIEW. Please. K, thanks, bye. :-P  
Love to all, Katie xoxo_


	2. Chapter 2

_Eh, what can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy ending. :-P_

Oooh oooh ooh and I'm all moved in now to my new place and my room is so nice :-D and my housemate cooks dinner every night which is awesome (I'm getting so spoilt) and and and... I'm sick with an ear infection (five weeks and counting! Damn you, flights to Perth!) and a chest infection that was getting better and has now come back down on me. I attempt to hack up a lung every 20 minutes or so. Totally awesome. I think that's pretty much it for life updates. If anyone cares. Because some of you probably don't even read this, which means that I could just make up words and you could all think I was like super intellimagent. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. WHAT?! I COULD HAVE MADE UP THAT WORD. I'M TOTALLY OLD ENOUGH. EXCEPT NOT BUT WHATEVER.

 _Ahem. Sorry. Story time now. :-P_

 _R &IR&IR&I_

It's my wedding day. Did I ever think this day would come? If I am to be entirely truthful... no. I didn't. Or at least... not like this. Staring into the mirror, I look deeply into my own dark eyes, and try not to think too much. But still, my brain whirs on... I'm sure Maura would say something about the brain always being busy, even while we sleep, because it controls organ function, bladder and bowel control and breathing... but for now, I just yearn for silence in my own head.

I yearn for peace, and the way I'm feeling right now, I'm not actually sure if peace is something I will ever achieve again.

Maura and Casey, Casey and Maura... the names seem to be irrevocably and undeniably tangled up in my brain and in my heart, but they're not really. One name has always won out. One _person_ has always won out, and that person is not the person I am marrying today.

I think I am making a mistake.

My hands go to my head and I press insistently at my temples, as though that mere pressure is enough to rein in the stampeding thoughts that chase me tirelessly. My eyes close of their own accord, and when I open them again, I have to blink several times before I recognise myself in the mirror. I look beautiful. The dress is white, and strapless, and fits perfectly, somehow making my angular body look incredibly curvy and sensuous. My usually unruly curls have been tamed and sleeked, some of the curls piled atop my head, the rest cascading down my back in a lustrous waterfall, and my makeup has been applied expertly, making my eyes look even wider, my cheekbones highlighted, and my lips shiny. I look... I look beautiful. I look like I could be a model.

But I don't look like _me._

Shaking my head, I abruptly lift up my dress and stomp over to the door, heading down the hallway to the room I know Maura is in. I can hear soft voices inside... I recognise Maura's voice as well as my ma's... and though I feel the urge to listen, to hear what they say in such hesitant, secretive tones, I feel it would become overwhelming, so instead I knock and yell out for help, not waiting for a response before I go back to my room.

Walking straight back to the mirror, I look at myself for only seconds before I hear the door opening, the sound preceding Maura's soft footsteps as she comes into the room, hesitating in the doorway. I look at her reflection, but do not yet turn around or meet her eyes.

"You look gorgeous, my friend," she says softly, and my heart seems to clench as a long forgotten memory comes to the surface, of a late night in the morgue after a disastrous attempt at dating that my mother had set up. The memory of the look in Maura's eyes at that long ago time... happiness, honest appreciation, an unexpected and yet highly respected camaraderie... makes my throat tickle and my eyes burn threateningly, and I quickly turn around, desperate to see that look once more.

She looks different though.

The dress I 'designed' (read: complained while Maura expertly chose fabrics and patterns) suits her perfectly, her hairstyle looking both elegant and beautiful, her makeup perfectly done, but that's not the difference.

No, it's her face. In her expression, I see none of the same happiness, appreciation and camaraderie; instead I see sadness... confusion... even despair. She looks like she is trying to be happy for me, but is miserable herself. I step forward, my hand reaching out for her, but I stop long before I reach her. "Maura? Are you okay?" I ask, and her head moves, but I'm not sure how to interpret it... was it a nod, or did she shake her head? Without thinking, I step forward quickly and she steps forward too, our arms wrapping around each other as though that was where they belonged.

Maybe... maybe because that _was_ where they belonged.

She trembles in my arms slightly, bringing me back to reality again, and so I ask her once more if she is okay. She deflects, begins to talk about my dress, but suddenly... suddenly the conversation is _not_ about my dress, and even though my heart is pounding and my brain is telling me to run, I stay. I stay, and I stare into her eyes, and pray for a courage that I have never known.

"What if you can get what you want?" she asks softly, and I look at her for a long moment.

"I can't," I finally say, and I don't know how to explain it to her... how do I explain that which I do not understand myself? Her eyes are sad, but she presses herself against me once more. I feel her breath on my neck, and I suppress a full body shudder.

"I love you," she whispers, and my heart breaks, and I wonder, not for the first time, nor the tenth, why, exactly, I am here again. Why I am getting married at all.

"I know," I say back. "This... isn't a movie though, Maura. Sometimes you don't get to wear what you want to wear."

She stares back at me, a sorrowful knowledge blooming in her eyes, and I think yet again about what she means to me, but before I can open my mouth, there is a knock at the door.

It's time.

Time for my life to begin... without her.

 _R &IR&IR&I_

I can almost feel the curiousity of the other motorists, the sensation one like insects crawling across my skin, and I suppress a shudder. I never wanted a limousine for my wedding. It was too big, too fancy for little old me. I just wanted something nice... perhaps an old model car, or... or the side car of a motorbike...

"Janie?" I look at my father, and notice with a start of surprise that we have come to a stop. I look out the window, my trepidation sending cold shivers of ice like intensity down my spine, and release a breath when I look at the church. It is big... enormous, really, and is incredibly elegant on the outside. On the inside, it is even more beautiful, but still... it is not what I would have chosen.

"It's a beautiful location," Maura says softly, and I allow my eyes to flicker briefly in her direction, before dropping my gaze to her collarbones. She is my only bridesmaid; the only thing I would not waver on. Casey did not like it, because that meant he had to cut down to only one groomsmen, but I could not bear the thought of having anyone else alongside me, besides my best friend.

Now I wonder if even that was a mistake.

It is overwhelming, to feel so conflicted, to have two such strong, opposing forces within my own body, and not for the first time today, I yearn for some peace, some quiet time so that I may sort it all out and figure out what I am feeling. So I can let one of the opposing forces win.

Do I stay or do I...

"Yes, it is," I say softly.

"Jane..." Maura says softly, but I shake my head abruptly, cutting her off as effectively as if I had slapped her. I don't look into her eyes. I don't know what I am more afraid of seeing there: sadness or disappointment.

"It's time to go, Maura."

She sighs, but steps out of the car before me, putting out a hand to help me out too, holding my dress while I continue to steadfastly ignore her gaze. My mother is standing next to her... was she in the limousine too?... and I am quickly ushered into a back room of the church, lest anyone see me before my big moment. I take a brief moment to wonder if it is normally this quiet before a wedding... no one is speaking, as though in mourning... but before this thought has a chance to fully form in my brain, I am caught by surprise as maternal arms wrap around me. I think briefly of fighting them off, as normal, but the offered comfort is so inexpressibly alluring, that I feel my knees grow weak as I sink into the embrace instead.

"Jane," my mother's voice is soft in my ear, softer than I have ever heard it before, and that, more than anything else, makes me listen.

"Yeah?" I ask back quietly when she says nothing for several seconds, and she sighs.

"Just... I just want you to be happy, Jane." She pulls back and looks at me. I feel tears unaccountably begin to burn my eyes, and I want to lower my gaze, but my mother's sharp look has me captivated. " _Are_ you happy?" she asks, still in the same soft whisper that I can barely hear. I bite my lip.

"Y-yes," I answer finally, far too slowly and far too hesitantly. Her eyes narrow, and she glances over her shoulder towards Maura, who is thumbing through a large book, the title mostly hidden from my view, but I can make out ' _History of..._ ' One of the first smiles that day grace my lips at the sight of Maura's interested face, her eyes bright as she takes in whatever knowledge is in that book. Ma looks at me once more, and sighs. "Jane..."

"I know, Ma," I say, then, feeling a sudden surge of anger, "but what choice do I have?"

"Oh sweetie," she says, reaching out and gently running a finger down my cheek. "You have the power to choose. You just..." she stops, shakes her head, and we are both distracted by the arrival of the priest, who is poking his head through the door, claiming it is almost time and asking for the mother of the bride to take her seat. Panic grips me suddenly, and I grab her hands with iron force.

"I just what, Ma? I just _what?_ "

She looks at me and opens her mouth, but no words come out, so she shuts it again and shakes her head, her lips curving up in a tight smile. She whisks away, following the priest to the front of the church where she will sit and watch her only daughter get married, and suddenly, I feel as though I am 3 years old and have lost sight of my mother in a crowded supermarket.

"Jane?" Maura's voice is soft, and I turn to her desperately, the sensation of helplessness completely overwhelming, like I had been caught in the door of a runaway car. I feel powerless to stop the inevitable crash.

"Maura, I..." I stop, suddenly aware of a look in her eyes that I had not seen in many years. Loneliness. Defeat. A voice echoes in my ear, of a long ago memory: _I'm used to being alone._ "Maura, say something," I plead, and she looks at me, a small smile on her lips.

"I wish you every happiness," she murmurs, and it is enough. It is the sight of the upcoming sheer cliff face, the concerned face of a stranger. It is enough to give me the strength to pull myself up to pull the handbrake of the runaway car, to ask the stranger for help in finding my mother.

Maura is willing to sacrifice herself for me, but it is not something I am willing to let her do.

I go over to the choir boy who stands quietly at the doors, waiting for the moment he is to open them to let me through.

"I need to see the priest please," I say to him quietly, then, looking at Maura, "I've made a mistake."

Maura's eyes widen.

But then she smiles.

And suddenly, I remember how to be happy again.

END

 _You know the drill. Review please. Because I'm a shameless review whore, and even though I love you just for reading, I'd love you even more if you reviewed. Not that that should sway you or anything... *pulls hat down low* *looks around shadily* *offers cookies*_

 _Whee, goofy mood tonight. Except for being around actual people. Then no goofy mood. I'm weird like that. Not a night time person AT ALL. Anyway, bye! Love to all, Katie xoxo_


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